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Another Excuse For Coffee? Biscotti!

College has started back up, and with hard work comes caffeine addiction. Or Coke. But I mean I don’t have the money for coke and I’m not looking to ruin my life so…COFFEE IT IS!

So while  procrastinating cramming on day ONE of classes, I realized two cups of coffee in and I was craving a sweet treat. Something to hit the spot that didn’t make me feel like I downed an entire package of Oreo’s, kind of thing. Something crunchy and still light.

Salted Caramel Chocolate Chip Biscotti.

HOMG. I ended up making four batches. Well, to be fair the first one was going great until I forgot about it in the oven on the last round. Kids woke up, coffee cup three needed to be made, I’m pretty sure I was still in my pajamas and knew we had an appointment in 30 minutes…

The next two rounds (which, being said the first round didn’t stop anyone under the age of 6 from devouring it off the plate, despite my eldest proclaiming that he doesn’t like the brown sides-even thought EVERY SIDE WAS BROWN) were true to form biscotti. Crunchy, sweet, coffee dipping, perfectionist-divulging biscotti. Quick, easy, and worth every misguided attempt prior to this.

The last round was just for the kids. They wanted “the hard cookies but not so hard, mom.” Those I took out after the first one and let them cool and set overnight, but you can pretty much dive in whenever on those.

Four batches, and the best picture I have for you guys is burnt ones because out of all four batches I don’t think they made it long enough for pictures!

biscotti

 

Salted Caramel Chocolate Chip Biscotti

3/4c. Sugar

2 Eggs

Splash vanilla extract

1c. AP Flour

3/4c. Whole Wheat Flour

1t. Baking soda

1/2 t. Salt

3/4-1c. Kraft Caramel Bits

3-4-1c. Semi Sweet or Dark Chips (I used SS because I didn’t have dark)

Good  pinch of procrastinating on the first three labs you have

The fear of not having a degree after 10 years

The cat hair of the 13 cats you’ll have in the future, when you’re alone.

Optional: Sea Salt for sprinkling

Optional: Drizzle in melted chocolate

 

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Cream sugar, eggs and vanilla. It’s going to look weird from lack of butter but do not be alarmed. It’s all still okay. THE EARTH IS NOT CRASHING DESPITE MY GRADE IN GEOLOGY RIGHT NOW I CAN ASSURE YOU. Keep the mixer on low-medium speed and add flours, salt, and soda. Don’t get too crazy on the speed or it’s going to blow up like my student loan debt. Scrape sides and gently mix in chips/bits/hopes/dreams. Spray a baking sheet with nonstick spray or use parchment paper and lay the dough into two logs. Or ten. But I mean, two is easier. Slightly round the rectangle logs along the edges so that there is a nice curve, much like the days of No Child Left Behind. Optional: Sprinkle Sea Salt across the tops if you would like.  Place in the oven and bake for around 30 Minutes.

Remove from the oven and let rest for ten (or twenty…I mean, you get to it when you get to it. Or when Thing One stops biting Thing Two in the Living room and OH MY GOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO WATCH PAW PATROL WE HAVE TWO TV’S JUST GOOOO!) minutes. Carefully slice into 3/4″ slices and turn on their sides all in the pan. Place pan in oven for ten minutes. Remove pan after ten and flip all pieces. Place in the oven again to bake for the final ten minutes. HERE IS THE IMPORTANT KICKER, FOLKS; do NOT forget they are in the oven!

Remove and let cool. If wanted, drizzle with melted chocolate. Dip in Coffee and the tears of realizing you have another 14 weeks of the semester. It’s not that bad. Wipe the blood off your Psychology text book and remember; wine is not acceptable all hours of the day, but coffee is forever.

 

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Bubble Shells

Upon hitting up a great deal on boxed pasta last week at my Tops Market, I am no realizing…I didn’t need 10 boxes. I’m glad I didn’t buy 20, honestly. So I have been spending the last week trying to create various meals where my children will eat it without gagging. Their metabolisms are young, they can handle it. I meanwhile, can only eat a bowl a week as my cheat meal and wanted something I could enjoy as an adult.

Meet our compromise; Bubble Shells.

Rainman has an odd fascination with the fish tank clam shells that bubble when you turn them on. I don’t dare ruin his naive enjoyment by telling him it’s just an air tube. His little four year old wonderment will some day die when he joins the rest of the world, I’m sure. He can’t go more than one mention of clams without getting spastic about the fish tank decoration. When I asked him if he wanted linguine with clams for dinner, I never got an answer because I got an interrogation on why we didn’t have a fish tank with a clam shell aerator.

Anyways, my children (and anyone’s kids under the age of 10) have issues with linguine. I mean it’s basically just for play from point A of the strainer to point B of the plate. My kids can’t twirl the fork, it turns into an angry game of stabbing the table, Mommy needs wine. So to update it for the boys, we used small shells. I assume you can use any pasta, but this is what worked for us.

My picture is terrible; I had to fight the kids for the last 1/2 cup and quickly poor it all into my bowl to have a chance at some!

 


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  • 1 Large Elephant Garlic Clove
  • Can Minced Clams in Juice, DO NOT DRAIN
  • Sea salt, Italian Seasoning, Pepper
  • Splash Lemon Juice
  • 2 OZ Fat Free Cream Cheese
  • Box 1lb. Pasta, cooked al dente and drained

Saute Garlic in small non stick pan with oil until fragrant(I used Garlic oil but not mandatory.) Stir and toss in can of clams and juice. Cook on medium high heat 2-4 minutes. Add a sprinkle each of sea salt, black ground pepper, and Italian seasoning; stir. Add cream cheese and carefully stir with nonstick spatula to disburse and keep from burning. When combined and low rolling boil, add splash of lemon juice and stir. Turn down to simmer and let reduce slightly. Turn off and spoon over cooked pasta-just enough to toss and lightly coat noodles-not as much as in my picture unless you want Clam Soup.

 

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Sugary Cinni-Mini’s

Look at this. Look at it. This is the mouth orgasm they should have warned you about. I mean a mouth abstinence class where they passed out Oragel, and told you you have to pay the consequences. Be scared of eating all of them because it is a HUGE possibility. Okay, I trailed off there. But you get it.

Anyways, you can Doctor these, healthify them, set them free from their evil Gluten Ways, etc. I didn’t because I had never attempted donuts prior to this. What wizardry was involved? Would I swear off ever making them again? Could I pretend I didn’t care they were unhealthy? All things I questioned as I threw random shit into a bowl. (The answer to the last question, by the way, is I’m actually pretty good at turning a blind eye, so I’ve learned!)

A Tear For My Thighs Because I Ate Entirely Too Many Of These.

Ingredients:

2 Cups AP Flour

3/4 Cups sugar

3/4 TS Cinnamon

2 TS Baking Powder

1 TS salt

3/4 Cup Milk (any kind, lactaid, Almond, regular)

1.5 TS lemon juice (Or white vinegar)

2 Beaten Eggs

2 TBS Butter or Margarine

1.5 TS Vanilla Extract

Set that oven to 325 degrees. Unless you don’t like to follow rules, and then pretend I didn’t say that. Lightly grease or spray a donut pan. In a measuring cup or bowl pour in milk. Add lemon juice (vinegar) and let sit 5 minutes. In a large bowl mix together dry ingredients like a boss. Look at you go. Alright, calm it. This is not a competition on who put more effort into their mixing; you win dude.

In a small bowl, mix together your wet ingredients. Again…calm yourself, Julia Child. Mix until fairly combined. (Tip-let the butter cool slightly unless you want scrambled eggs.)

Pour wet into dry. Blend until just combined. Now, Fill that donut pan. And don’t be a whine ass about it. It IS work, I know. Count it as a workout, so you can eat more donuts. You probably don’t want to fill it more than top level. Bake 7-11 Minutes. I got a good solid 7-8 Minutes and they were cooked like a turkey and were springy but firm when poked with my eager fingers. Picture a firm air mattress.

Look At These Balls Of Fun. Okay, Not Balls. Don’t Judge.

Give them a whole 2 or so minutes to cool before you try and pry them out of the pan. NO DON’T EAT IT ONCE IT’S OUT!!!! You need toppings, son.

Stick (8 TBS) Butter, melted—in a separate bowl mix—

1 TBS Cinnamon

1/3 Cup Brown Sugar

1/3 Cup Sugar

 

Such Fine China.

Drop the donut into the butter. flip over so it’s coated. Remove, and swirl the top in the cinn-sugar mixture. Place somewhere out of sight so you can finish the other 23 donuts without it taunting you to devour it.

 

Optional: Clean Off Sugar To Find Center. Or Don’t. I Won’t Judge.

 

I can’t promise I won’t ever sound like a toolbag for a future recipe. I’m sorry if that means we can’t be friends.

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Mango Swai

First off…Most of my recipes will have actual measurements. Secondly, they will all have a varition of some God-awful mobile phone picture, because only cool rich people can afford something better than a potato to take pictures with.

Upon throwing things together in my kitchen, we get this lovely number. It’s flavorful enough it can stand on it’s own, but feel free to serve with rice or even on a salad. You can use essentially any white fish; I just had Swai on hand.

Ingredients:

Generic Tastiness At Its Finest

2 Swai filets, cut in half

Mango Juicy Juice, to cover the fish almost all the way

TBS Coconut Oil, melted

1-2 TS Lemon Juice

1 TBS Minced Garlic

2-3 Shakes Soy Sauce

Honey Mustard

Dijon Mustard

(This recipe is to taste. You can’t really go wrong.)

In a medium bowl pour in your juice. Eyeball it, you can always add more. Add the garlic, melted oil, lemon juice. Stir. Add around 1-2 TBS Honey Mustard and 1-2 TBS Dijon, given personal preference. Microwave 15 seconds to make sure oil stays melted. Stir again, place in fish. Pour more juice if needed to cover fish. Let sit 5 minutes and flip fish. Sit another 5 minutes. Heat nonstick pan on medium to medium high heat. Place fish carefully in pan and begin cooking, saving marinade. When the fish has begun to turn white on the bottom pour in marinade.

Looks Gross, Smells Like Summer

Flip fish to finish cooking. Let simmer at medium/medium-high until fish is cooked (easily flakes with fork, white in center.) Remove and serve.

Ignore How God-Awful This Picture Is. Just Imagine Smelling The Fish, With Its Non-Fishy Smell. And How Awesome It Tastes. I Should Have Made It Presentable For Posting, But I Was Less Concerned With Cleaning Up The Plate And More Concerned Feeding The Toddler Trying To Snag It Off The Stove.