Buoys

I love too much. I love too deeply. I love with all my being and everything that becomes me.; consumes me.

Which is why I don’t swim in the waters at all. Dark like the midnight moonlight, cold and calm; tempting but dangerous. The water is to be feared. The water can drown you in your own recognizance. The Water can bring you to see things, terrible things you never knew. Monsters, and animals only danger knows.

But still I tempt the depths with my toe. Starting in a puddle, working my way up to a pond. But somewhere along the lines the water seems less dangerous; more comforting. I have confidence in the shallow spot of where I stand. Peering into the sapphire glass like a child finding her inquisitive side, my hand nestled in yours; I step.

And suddenly I am caught. Swept up in the riptide I knew nothing of. I had heard the dangers but it was never something I could experience before. And I am dragged. My heart is yearning, grasping, climbing, clutching. Reaching for something to cling to; reaching for you.

You cannot be swept up with me. It’s not safe-two of us out to sea with all our being fighting so fiercely upon the waves. Slapping and breaking water, sobbing and desperately wanting to have relief, I do not want to be alone. I am begging for saving and you are too close for your own comfort; you need to travel  back to coast lest we both be trapped gasping for air.

 I comprehend your actions.

I have never learned to swim for fear of drowning. I have never picked up the skill because it is not a skill I’ve ever needed. A minimalist in everything but emotion; I have learned to be prepared for anything and immune to what was thrown my way. But, you told me it could change my life. You told me I deserved to know how to swim.

I don’t think you knew what that meant. I don’t think you knew the requirements at hand. I don’t think you understood my determination to break down the barriers I put in place to keep from being swept off my feet into the murky waves. I don’t think you anticipated how soon you would have to pull me back ashore. So you couldn’t. You didn’t know. You didn’t know the more you floated away the harder I would struggle to maintain your grasp. I didn’t know the more I fought the farther down I would go.

“It feels like there’s oceans
Between you and me once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface and try to pretend
But it feels like there’s oceans
Between you and me” 

Seafret, Oceans